Coming out of Denial.

So for years I've tried to put up a front that 1) Steven makes more than he does and 2) I'm not as heavy as I look. We'll I'm coming clean.

I need a place to vent and I have withheld it all for years b/c I just didn't want people to know. But we are BROKE. He made (brought home) just over $34,000 last year. FOR A FAMILY OF FIVE. I don't work, we home school. It got so bad last year that we racked up nearly 10K in CC debt. We've never had debt. (we are celebrating our 10 yr anniversary this year) I am just SICK over this. Our refund will go to debt and getting caught up on bills, though we aren't behind we are one to two paychecks away from huge trouble.

Then there is my weight. When I met and married Steven I was 138. In my mind I still look like that (until I look in the mirror and think "who is this person?" Well I'm finally doing something about it. After having 3 kids my "normal" weight was 198. :O That is 200 lbs. (remember I'm short 5'2") So I started watching what I've been eating. Had that gall bladder surgery (which really helped me cut out fat, though I didn't eat a lot of it) I started working out yesterday. I would (for years) every night lay in bed at night thinking, damn I should have gotten off my ass today and did something. I finally have that motivation. Yesterday I weighed 175. :D I'm so happy about that. I would like to drop another 20-25 lbs and I feel that I will be happy (about my weight).

I had dropped 20 lbs 5 yrs ago and was at about 172, but then got PG with Joseph. I can't really do a full fledged diet as I'm still nursing Samantha. Like last night. I wanted chocolate. Instead I grabbed a piece of gum and that curved my craving.

I feel so weird working out around the kids and Steven. And not even with Steven home, just him KNOWING that I'm working out eeks me. I have no idea why. I guess I just don't want it pointed out to him that I'm fat (in my eyes). He has NEVER even said one bad thing about my weight.

I can see a difference in my face. I tend to gain and lose in my face first. I know I'll never get back to 138, for years that's why I held off trying to lose this weight, b/c I knew it would never happen and I hated thinking of that failure. I have grown up a bit and like the title, "came out of denial".